On the Indestructability of Zouaves...

Brothers,

I must admit that the event two Sundays past has had me vexed. I had never seen troops the like of what we fought. Were these Uber-Men? Or was I missing some key piece of knowledge regarding our defeat!?! As such I did some research. It appears that our foes were actually correctly portraying 1861 Zouves, whom, it appears, were actually legends in their own minds...

What is a Zouave?

"A fellow with a red bag having sleeves to it for a coat; with two red bags without sleeves to them for trousers, with an embroidered and braided bag for a vest, with a cap like a red woolen saucepan; with yellow boots like the fourth robber in a stage play; with a mustache like two half-pound paint brushes, and with a sort of a sword-gun for a weapon, that looks like the result of a love affair between an amorous broadsword and a lonely musket; discreet and tender--that is a Zouave."

"A fellow who can pull up a hundred and ten pound dumbbell: who can climb up an eighty foot rope, hand over hand, with a barrel of flour hanging to his heels; who can do the "giant swing" on a horizontal bar with a fifty-six tied to each ankle; who can walk up four flights of stairs, holding a heavy man in each hand, at arms length; and who can climb a greased pole feet first carrying a barrel of pork in his teeth--that is a Zouave."

"A fellow who can jump seven-teen feet four inches high without a spring board; who can tie his legs in a double bow knot round his neck without previously softening his shin bones in a steam bath; who can walk bound in tight rope with his stomach outside of nine brandy cocktails, a suit of chain armor outside his stomach, and a stiff northeast gale outside of that; who can take a five shooting revolver in each hand and knock the spots off the ten of diamonds at eighty paces, turning somersaults all the time and firing every shot in the air -- that is a Zouave."

From: -Daily Intelligence, Wheeling, Western Virginia, Feb. 23, 1861

May the Road Rise to Meet You!
Duke